Now, to where I left off earlier. I feel like I’ve been moving at snail’s pace here lately what with my dragging out everything, every little conversation I’ve ever had with Ruben as it would practically seem. But I promise it all leads to the real center of the story here.
I had broken up with my boyfriend Jonathan and had considered dating my friend Alberto, who was a very close friend I’d known for about 3 years. Unfortunately, his inability to keep it in his pants stopped whatever relationship we potentially would’ve had in its tracks. There is more than one reason this is relevant to the story, all in due time though. I had just found out about Alberto’s not quite so infidelity when he called and told me while I was on my way out the door to babysit for my neighbor a few doors down.
Now obviously I was a bit upset but this, not utterly disappointed or surprised, but a bit upset. So when I arrived to babysit, I spent the bulk of my time anonymously Facebook bashing Alberto; and by anonymous, I simply mean that I didn’t specify any names while I was posting. Of course, he would know who I was talking about if he happened to stumble across my page, which he did…several times.
Now, I’m not condoning Facebook bashing your friends, or any type of internet bashing of course. And Alberto and I are miraculously still very good friends, but this is also beside the point. It was while I was on Facebook that I noticed Ruben was online and decided to open up a chat with him as I had done a few weeks before while once again, babysitting. Anyway, so I saw him online and decided to open up the chat bar and say hello to him. At this point though, I hadn’t been to the poetry reads in a long time – I hadn’t seen Ruben in months.
Now, because this was quite a while ago, it was before Facebook started recording chat messages and saving them to your account like regular messages. Because of this, I can’t simply copy/paste the conversation onto a post for you to read. All I can do is describe for the most part what was discussed in this conversation.
I recall telling him that I was going to bring my friend Alberto to the next poetry read and he promised to be an extra special asshole to him just for me. I told him about my history with Alberto and our first kiss together to which he reacted by not speaking to me for about half a year. Of course, I should probably explain that, looking back now, this isn’t all that surprising to me considering there is some speculation as to Alberto’s sexuality and on top of that, Alberto is the type of person who will avoid just about anybody for just about any reason at all. But this is not necessarily all that important; it is simply what began our conversation.
Ruben: You must’ve kissed him wrong.
Me: Well excuse me, but I feel that I am a rather good kisser.
Ruben: Well, I wouldn’t know.
Me: And you never will.
Ruben: :(
Now, as I said before, I don’t actually have these messages on my Facebook anymore but I do remember the conversation quite vividly. I recall being on the phone with my friend Kat (like most characters in this story, not her real name, but it was her real nickname) while having this conversation with Ruben. I remember seeing this above particular message and wondering if this was Ruben’s way of trying to make a pass at me. In fact, during this conversation, I would often tell Kat exactly what was being said and ask her advice on how I should respond to his messages. Because she was much more experienced when it came to men than I was, I had turned to her often in my high school years and continue to speak to her now about my personal affairs. She’s still a dear friend. Moving on, I used her as a reference during this particular conversation with Ruben. When I told her about this particular message (as short as it was, as a teen girl, I often read pretty strongly into small details), she told me to not respond by referencing any of the above conversation. I decided to keep it simple.
Me: Don’t be sad, smile. :)
Ruben: Well, tell me something to make me happy.
Me: Well, you’re going to see me at the next poetry read.
Ruben: Ok. I’m happy now. (or something to that degree)
Moving on with the conversation, we began talking about our interests and such. Things having to do with how we were feeling or what we felt like doing. I believe he made a reference to being bored, as did I and we began to discuss what we’d much rather be doing than what we were currently doing. I wrote something to the degree of:
Me: Right now, I feel like drinking heavily and waking up in a house that isn’t mine.
Ruben: hahaha! (or something or other)
Me: How bout you? What do you feel like doing?
Ruben: I feel like drinking heavily and waking up in a house that isn’t mine.
When he said this, I giggled a bit to myself because he did, in all honesty, basically rewrite what I had said to be humorous. Just pointing that out so my readers don’t think this was simply a typo.
Me: Lol. How original. But how do you really feel?
Ruben: Honestly, I kind of feel like messing around.
Now, on the phone with Kat, I gasped when I saw this. Now I was almost sure he was making a pass at me, but I still wasn’t positive about how to respond to such a thing. So, I turned to Kat for advice. How does a 16 year old girl respond to such a message? Was this his way of saying he wanted to mess around with me? Was he simply joking? Was he drinking when he said this? Every one of these details and more was very important to me in reference to how I would respond to what had been said. So, I almost took Kat’s advice (she told me to ask what he would want to do specifically) and said:
Me: With?
Ruben: Just.
Now here was where the conversation took a turn. He responded rather vaguely at first but we slowly yet surely started to really get into sexual details. You know, we talked about the stuff he liked, and he asked me what I liked. Now, I must point out that this wasn’t simply a one-sided conversation. I was excited that Ruben was talking to me about sex. Granted, even though I was attracted to him, this wasn’t necessarily my idea of how things would start between us but hey, I was young and longing for his attention so, rather than taking what many people would think was the “respect I deserved”, I simply took what I could get. Unfortunately, it was simply this.
Of course, during conversations such as this one, I tend to get rather shy, and my responses were pretty short for the most part and I beat around the bush a lot. He asked me what I liked, and my answers were, for the most part, pretty half-ass. I didn’t want to reveal too much of myself to him for the same reasons anyone wouldn’t put themselves out there when speaking about sex with someone for the first time. I didn’t want to seem too awkward or odd. On top of that, being only 16, I wasn’t all that experience in the subject of sex. Of course, I didn’t want to reveal that either. So I behaved like I was having a casual conversation with Ruben, as if the topic of sex came up often in my life, and as if I wasn’t an absolute prude or a virgin, or as if I held an Advil between my legs all the time. I wanted to remain, I suppose, somewhat of a mystery until I was sure about what would be proper to speak of with Ruben.
I played it safe. He talked about some of his fetishes. Ruben had a thing for panties; he asked what kind and what color I was wearing. I remember telling him, but I don’t necessarily recall what exactly it was, not that I would tell my readers anything about my panties. This blog isn’t that open. Continuing, we talked about sexual things he like, and sexual curiosities that I had. At one point, we both stopped playing it too terribly safe; but I still recall that he kept telling me that he understood my shyness and that I didn’t need to be so timid with him. That, of course, didn’t stop me from being timid, but rather convinced me to give him more detail, more of what I thought he might like to hear. I can’t remember what all was said in our conversation, but I recall that we agreed to some type of sexual activity. I casually agreed to this, he simply mentioned as if it were all just part of a humorous conversation we were having.
When we ended our chat, I was excited to see him again, excited to have his attention on me finally. It was mid-June at this point and a hadn’t seen him in months. To specify, yes, the conversation was very sexual, most of it seemed like the two of us were joking and as casual as I tried to be while talking about my panties and my curiosities about bondage, in my mind I was freaking out, almost throwing a party at the thought that Ruben liked me enough to have this type of conversation with me.
Despite all that had happened that month, that week, that day, I fell asleep almost thrilled and extremely excited to see Ruben again. Only, I wouldn’t bring Alberto to this poetry read…
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