So I’m sure the question at the end of all of this is what I did to finally get over it. Well, to be perfectly honest, I moved, away, stopped going by the nickname I used to have, and overall, I changed. I remember a few weeks after ending things with him I was having a weak moment and I sent him a message telling him how sorry I was about what had happened. He told me that we could talk again when we were in a better place and that he was trying to fix things in his life at the moment and he accepted my apology…
Now the stupid thing about this short two message conversation isn’t that I apologized or that he accepted my apology; it was that I accepted his response. I guess this blog is more about what I was unable to let go of than anything, and that response is definitely a part of it. Him accepting my apology was simply unacceptable, and I didn’t even realize it until now. I apologized to him for what he did to me. And that is unacceptable.
The bottom line here is that though the relationship I shared with Ruben was at least half my fault, it was also his. He took advantage of me when I was young and stupid and I was dumb enough to allow him to do it. Ruben Ramirez never loved me in the way that I needed him to. And that was a terribly painful thing that I had to come to grips with in the very end; that Ruben and I were never going to end up together. And that hurt. But not as much as it did when I realized that he may not even have felt or refused to acknowledge that he did something wrong by being with me. I guess that you could almost say that I wrote this blog in order to gain the closure Ruben never gave me.
I don’t live with my parents anymore. After I ended things with Ruben, I left for the summer and never came back. I needed a change of scene, so I went away and changed my life because I realized that the person I was when I was with Ruben wasn’t the person I wanted to be anymore. I won’t say that it’s been easy, but sometimes it’s the hardest things you do that end up being the right thing. There was once a time when I thought I needed Ruben because he was my backbone; even when he wasn’t physically there with me, I still always felt stronger knowing that I had him. After it was over, I was forced to grow all on my own. I wrote this poem shortly after everything ended with Ruben; I guess it really helps define how I grew as a poet after knowing him for so long.
No Pretty Words
Pretty words
never justified what she did almost every night.
never justified what she did almost every night.
And nobody cares
what the audience knows
as long as she's taking off her clothes.
what the audience knows
as long as she's taking off her clothes.
But maybe, just maybe
she could've had a chance
if she'd thought she was worth more
than taking off her pants.
she could've had a chance
if she'd thought she was worth more
than taking off her pants.
And it's all her fault
even thought she was young
but it's not like he was the one
holding the camera,
and damn, I could be wrong.
I'm not asking you not to hate her
but when in this generation was it ever okay
to crucify the teenager?
even thought she was young
but it's not like he was the one
holding the camera,
and damn, I could be wrong.
I'm not asking you not to hate her
but when in this generation was it ever okay
to crucify the teenager?
But he saved her.
This young, sixteen year old girl
was cut off from the rest of the world
until she found poetry,
what it means to really be
on top of your high school dreams
but he changed everything.
This young, sixteen year old girl
was cut off from the rest of the world
until she found poetry,
what it means to really be
on top of your high school dreams
but he changed everything.
Okay, Miss complicated
over-explaining complaining whore of a teenage girl.
Who the hell asked you
to pursue
what you knew was wrong?
over-explaining complaining whore of a teenage girl.
Who the hell asked you
to pursue
what you knew was wrong?
And when the hell did anyone say
it was ever okay
to get hung up on him that day?
To hide away
between dark alleys and stars
caught up in his arms so don't behave like you were raped.
it was ever okay
to get hung up on him that day?
To hide away
between dark alleys and stars
caught up in his arms so don't behave like you were raped.
So if any loser on the internet
finds the pictures that you sent,
that's on you.
finds the pictures that you sent,
that's on you.
If there's guys out there
wanking it to pictures only he was supposed to have,
well I guess that's just too damn bad.
wanking it to pictures only he was supposed to have,
well I guess that's just too damn bad.
Your worthless teenage tears
don't make up for the years
that you spent gazing at him
or the months you spent entertaining him.
don't make up for the years
that you spent gazing at him
or the months you spent entertaining him.
How does it feel
to be the girl who was able to steal his eye?
To stay out with him in the middle of the night.
Well, now where will you hide?
Okay, fine, I lied.
They didn't crucify her,
but they definitely should.
to be the girl who was able to steal his eye?
To stay out with him in the middle of the night.
Well, now where will you hide?
Okay, fine, I lied.
They didn't crucify her,
but they definitely should.
The hundreds of pictures
that he had
never changed the fact
that they
haven't spoken to her since
but what ever changed for him?
that he had
never changed the fact
that they
haven't spoken to her since
but what ever changed for him?
She's the one who came clean
and admitted to doing those things
because she had feelings for him,
she was in love.
Since when was it wrong
to feel that way for another person?
But now she's suffering the consequences
of being taken advantage of.
and admitted to doing those things
because she had feelings for him,
she was in love.
Since when was it wrong
to feel that way for another person?
But now she's suffering the consequences
of being taken advantage of.
He was several years older
and a hell of a lot smarter
and he stole her heart
but you're telling me
that there's nothing that she deserves,
not one kind word
to be said for her?
and a hell of a lot smarter
and he stole her heart
but you're telling me
that there's nothing that she deserves,
not one kind word
to be said for her?
She's not Hester Prynne, she's just a teenager
and she reached out
to admit her wrongs and tell the truth,
to admit her wrongs and tell the truth,
but wasn't he wrong too?
Isn't there something that can be done?
Something to be said
to bring this weight off her head?
No.
We'll leave her to lay and rot in her bed
cause we all know that she's the one who made it
right?
Who cares if it's taken the light from her eyes?
Someone here needs to pay the price,
even if she wasn't the one who suggested it,
she followed through with it,
and we need to be assured she won't do it again.
But this is not an accusation,
it's a confession.
Nothing done could ever bring down
her happiness when he was around,
when she was surrounded
by poets and writers
under the light and the cigarette smoke
of her downtown world reading poetry
but you're telling me
that all she had to do was say no?
But it'll never be enough
that she found the strength to let him go.
There's no pretty words
anyone could ever say
to make this somehow go away,
to take back the pain,
the shame
that was put on her
when she let go of him that day.
But how was she supposed to know
that wising up and letting go
was the part that was going to hurt the most?
Pretty words
never justified
what she did for him almost every night.
And her love for him
never changed the wrong
that he let fall on her
after he was gone...
One of the things that I really struggled with after Ruben was realizing that it wasn’t wrong for me to keep everything I had learned from him and continue using it throughout my life. And through “Lolita”, I went through many conclusions before finally realizing the truth about the book: that it’s okay to let go of the things that hurt you. But it’s not wrong to remember the good things about me and Ruben, like the things he taught me about writing, and how much potential he always used to tell me I had. I guess he was kind of right because I never stopped doing it.
Every now and then, I must admit, I go back to that old summer song I used to call ours: The Crow and Butterfly by Shinedown. One thing that I want everyone to realize (even if I’ve said it a million times) is that Ruben wasn’t all bad for doing what he did. It was wrong, but like it says in the poem, he wasn’t the one holding the camera. I was. And that doesn’t make it okay for me either because Ruben and I were both wrong for what we did. When I think hard about it, Ruben could’ve been a great memory for me if we had ended things when I left the city. We might have been in a better place by now if we had.
And as for the “better place” Ruben had mentioned, my friend Daniel was completely convinced that Ruben had meant that he would speak to me again after I turned 18. Well, I’ve been 18 for a little less than a month now, and Ruben recently turned 37 and I can’t say I’m disappointed that he hasn’t tried to speak to me yet. I don’t really think he’s the type of person I want to be with anymore.
What happened between Ruben and myself doesn’t make us bad people, it just means that we both made very serious mistakes. I told him that I would never regret being with him; that may have been a lie, but I can honestly say that I will never forget what it was like to be with him. He was one of my first loves. But I’m a different person now…
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